Because when all else fails, He wont.
Journal entry from November 16, 2022:
"What will my heart look like when it's poured out? When it feels like a dry and weary land? Will it grab for the faint echoes of the Lord's voice or run to the loud, deafening cries of the world? What will I grab as my resource in a desert. Looking, searching, hoping. Am I crying out because I know I'm heard or is it because I'm afraid I'm not? This place is uninviting and everything in me wants to run away in my sorrow and grief. I feel the hands of discouragement surround my thoughts and the grip feels strong.
Where, Lord? Where can I go from here? Where can I run in the in-between?
In the depth of my heart is a mustard seed found- crying out in hopes that my earnest prayer will be heard and held. Knowing and proclaiming that the God I serve sees our deepest anguish, no matter the scale of the world. Who sees beyond our moment and into eternity. Who is the Father of glory, honor and power. Who is holy and mighty and deserving of my everything's. Who is worthy to take the scroll and break its seal. Who is YAHWEH. My Yahweh.
And I feel the shift, the conviction. The calling to take off my running shoes because of the discomfort and instead rest them at the feet of Jesus- this Jesus who invites me to partake in my scariest vulnerabilities. My grip loosens and my heart softens- answering the call to lean into that pain and knowing that I will fall in the arms of the Lord, to know these tears of sadness are shared with Him, that they are seen by the God of the universe and that He doesn't run from it. He doesn't run from me. He's here, right now, in the desert with me.
Will I trust God only conditionally? That if He does what I think He is supposed to do THAN He is God? May that never be the case.
God of the mourning. God of the mending. God of the in-between. God of my everything's."
We will all come to points in our walk with the Lord where we feel like we have nothing left to give and nothing left to offer Him- and that's exactly where He wants us to be. He wants us to be in this place where we have tired our storehouses and our resources and our "knowing's" and we just run to His feet and admit how much we just need Him- His presence, His Fatherhood, His leading, His love and kindness, His forgiveness, His hope, and His help. And if there is anything I've learned through the last hard season of life its this:
Grace grows best in the Winter.
This season that was journaled about above was a hard one and there were really hard days involved. My days were filled with surrender and faith and trust, even when it felt like it was the last thing I wanted to do. It was a war between flesh and Spirit and coming to the knowing that the Lord knew best even when I thought my answers could be better. It brought me down to my knees and quieted my heart...and my mouth. I was sought the Lord on who to share this season with and it was very little. And a lot of times it's my natural response to run to people that I trust and want to tell them all the things to hear their opinion. But a good thing isn't always a good thing in certain seasons. You know what I mean?
And another thing? If you are presently walking through a season like this and you feel like you've blew it or messed up or given up, I want to remind you of something. A stumble is not a permanent position. Get back up- even if that's all you can do. Don't let your stumble paralyze you into moving forward. It's time to start again- whatever that looks like. In these seasons, God just wants you to trust Him and even when you don't feel like it or feel "it"- have the faith to know that He IS in control, that He deeply loves you, and that He knows you-every part. Don't run from Him when the world is the problem, that's what the enemy wants. Catapult your heart into His hands and let Him be the Father of your life.
"All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and burden is light." Matthew 11:27-30
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the main who carries out evil devices" Psalm 37:7
"And call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." Psalm 50:15
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship." Romans 12:1
Keep your eyes up toward heaven, friend. Keep your faith. Keep your heart held by the right hands and most of all, keep diligent in the His Word.
Because when all else fails, He wont.
Until next time,
Alyssa